Almost Got 'im
by Faye My Funny Valentine
Summary: The girls get together for some poker and to share their sob stories. (Re-upped...again)


This fic was sorta inspired by a Batman episode from a while back. If you're a Batman fan, I'm sure you know which episode I'm talking about. =^_^= Warnings: This fic contains YAOI and YURI, swearing, and just plain pervertedness. This is very very bad, and if you can't handle something made for laughs, then don't bother reading this. Enjoyyyy!  
  
  
"Almost Got 'im"  
by Shinigami Baby  
  
  
Sanc Kingdom.  
  
9:59 PM  
  
Relena Peacecraft is waiting patiently in her living room for her guests to arrive. She's sitting at a small table with a deck of Sailormoon poker cards and a pitcher of Vodka-tainted Kool-Aid. The clock tolled 10 o'clock. Where the Hell were they?  
  
Just outside.  
  
Dorothy Catalonia pulled up the driveway in her gold car with Lady Une in the passenger's seat and Catherine Bloom in the back with Sally Po and Lucrezia Noin. Hirde Shbieker wasn't too far behind on her neon orange bicycle with a Sesame Street honker as the bike horn. Once they were all out of the car (or off her bike), the girls rang the door bell and Relena greeted them with a pleasant smile.  
  
"Come right in girls, the table's ready and so's the booze!"  
  
Hirde wailed an appreciative ... wail, I guess and sat down at the small table. Sally Po sat at the table as well and began to shuffle the deck as the other women sat down too.  
  
This was their typical Friday night.  
  
Lady Une poured herself some of the Kool-Aid/vodka concoction and took a sip. "I wonder what the guys are doing right now..."  
  
Relena frowned as Sally dealt her cards. "Each other probably..."  
  
"Yaoi no baka..." All the girls sighed.  
  
"Still, I was almost sure I had Heero..." Relena said sadly.  
  
"Really? I wasn't." Dorothy chided.  
  
The other girls laughed.  
  
"I don't see why it's so funny. I mean, I'm sure each of you have an 'almost got 'im' story, ne?" Relena asked.  
  
Catherine shook her head. "I don't."  
  
"Me neither." Dorothy agreed.  
  
"Who cares about you?" Hirde asked, downing her third glass.  
  
Catherine threw a knife in Hirde's direction, but it missed the girl by mere inches, hitting the wall instead.  
  
"Next time I won't miss." Catherine threatened. Hirde grinned sheepishly and looked down at her cards.  
  
Relena sighed. "Who would've known ... all of them ... gay. It just isn't fair! I'm Queen of the World, damn it!"  
  
Hirde nodded and raised her glass. "I hear that."  
  
Sally, Lady Une, and Noin clinged their glasses with Hirde's.  
  
"I was soooo damn sure of myself that Heero wanted me ... and not that ... that *Duo*." Relena said, throwing a card down.  
  
"So what happened?" Noin asked.  
  
"Well, it goes a little something like this..." Relena began.  
  
  
It was shortly after the war and my birthday was coming up. I boarded a shuttle bound for earth so I could be home for the occasion. Well, once I got on the plane, a flight attendant bumped into me. I paid it no mind until I saw this cute little teddy bear on the seat. Do you know what that damn card said?  
  
"Dear Relena,  
Please don't get the wrong idea about us. You're a nice girl and I like you as a friend, but I already love someone else and I have for quite sometime. You know him, I think.  
-Heero"  
  
HIM? I was livid. Then there was different writing. Sloppier writing.  
  
"Oi Queeny!  
Looks like the better girl won, huh? Don't worry, I'll hang onto him *extra* tight!  
- Ja ne, Duo ;)"  
  
Well, I was just so frustrated and pissed that all I could do was smile and rip it up. And I made sure Heero saw it when I did. This smile wasn't a happy smile. Ohhh no. This was an "I'll-Kill-Them-Both" smile.  
  
  
"So did you do it?" Dorothy asked, excited.  
  
Relena sadly shook her head. "No. Everytime I try to, something friggin' happens."  
  
"Awwww..." Relena got sympathy from her female compatriots.  
  
Dorothy laid a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay Relena..." She smirked and winked. Relena blushed and realized it was her turn. "You girls don't have any stories like that?"  
  
Dorothy and Catherine shrugged. Lady Une shifted uncomfortably in her chair, as did Noin, Hirde, and Sally.  
  
"C'mon, you have to share!" Relena demanded. "Hirde, you go first!"  
  
Hirde sighed. "Fine, fine. Here's my little sob story..."  
  
  
Well, I guess it wasn't too long after the war. Duo and I had moved in together as roommates until he could make decent enough money to live on his own. Things were nice for a while, we slipped into a daily routine. He'd come home, I'd make dinner, and we'd watch TV, then go to bed.   
  
I guess Duo never knew how I felt about him. One night he came home late from work and he had Heero with him. I thought nothing of it, the two were together quite often. I just thought that they were best friends. Well,... I thought that until Duo brought Heero into his room and heard Heero moaning a few minutes later.  
  
I couldn't stay there, so I left. I think they're still living there today, but you can never be too sure. I mean, I never expected Duo to like guys.  
  
  
Catherine put her hand on Hirde's. "You poor thing."  
  
Hirde nodded. "I'm over it now. Things like this just happen for the best, I guess. You don't have a story, Catherine?"  
  
Catherine shook her head. "Nope. Trowa's my brother. What about you, Noin? I thought you and Zechs were a thing."  
  
"So did I, the bastard." Noin grumbled.  
  
Sally shrugged. "She's still upset about the whole Treize/Zechs/Wufei disaster."  
  
"The wha-what?" Relena asked.  
  
Lady Une arched an eyebrow. "We never told you?"  
  
Relena, Hirde, Catherine, and Dorothy shook their heads.  
BR  
"You guys want me to tell them?" Sally asked.BR  
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Noin and Sally shrugged.BR  
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Lady Une took off her glasses. "I don't know when it started ... probably before we went into outer space. Treize challenged Wufei to a *ahem* swordfight..."BR  
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"No..." Dorothy said.BR  
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"Yes." Lady Une confirmed. BR  
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"Oh my God..."BR  
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"That's what Wufei said. Anyway, things were like that for a while. Until recently, when I found out from Noin, I had no previous knowledge that Treize and Zechs were lovers. Feeling like it was the responsible thing to do, I informed Wufei of this while he was imprisoned on Barge with the other boys. As it turns out, Wufei already knew about it. He had even told me of their little threesomes. Well, I was quite upset, so upon returning to earth, I faked a coma and fiddled a bit with Treize's Tallgeese II. When the final battle took place, Wufei ended up killing him."BR  
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All the women nodded in appreciation.BR  
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"Geez ... didn't you feel guilty?" Hirde asked.BR  
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"Why should I be? I wasn't the one who killed him. Wufei was." Lady Une took a sip of her drink. "What about you two?" She asked Catherine and Dorothy.BR  
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Dorothy flipped her hair behind her shoulder. "My affections lie with Miss Relena."BR  
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"What about you, Catherine?" Relena asked, squeezing Dorothy's leg affectionately.BR  
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Catherine blushed. "No one..."BR  
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"You are sooo lying!" Hirde said drunkenly.BR  
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"Okay ... maybe a little. But you guys have to PROMISE you won't get mad..." Catherine said.BR  
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They all nodded.BR  
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Catherine cleared her throat and began her little story.BR  
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"The first one was Wufei. After Trowa had brought him back after a battle, I couldn't help but find myself attracted to him. He looked so exotic ... those beautiful black eyes, that sexy mouth. The night before he left, I sort of ... you know ... told him about it. He seemed okay with it and took me to his trailer."BR  
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Catherine looked at Sally. "I never knew Wufei knew Kama Sutra."BR  
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Sally's jaw dropped. "He never told me about it, the little man-whore!"BR  
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Catherine shrugged. "Anyway, after he left, I felt alone and empty ... until Trowa brought home Heero."BR  
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"Oh no!" Relena screamed.BR  
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Catherine smiled. "Oh yes. While Trowa was off visiting his beloved Quatre, I had to tend to Heero's wounds. We got to know eachother pretty well and before you know it, Heero asked me to sleep with him."BR  
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"He ASKED you!? He never asked me!!!" Relena shouted, standing up. Dorothy quickly pulled her down.BR  
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Catherine shrugged. "He just wanted to experiment. He wanted to see if sex with a girl felt as good as sex with a guy."BR  
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"He'd slept with guys BEFORE!?" Relena asked.BR  
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Catherine nodded. "Yeah, he kept mentioning that Duo guy."BR  
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"ARRRGH! That whole time he was fucking Duo!?" Relena was on the brink of insanity.BR  
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"Relena ... just calm down..." Dorothy said.BR  
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"I AM CALM!"BR  
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Everyone sweatdropped.BR  
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"Can you please let me finish?" Catherine asked.BR  
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Relena sat down and nodded.BR  
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"THANK you. So anyway, after Heero recovered, I was all by myself again. Then after Trowa came back to the circus after losing his memory, Duo came looking for him."BR  
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"NO!" Hirde shouted.BR  
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Catherine glared at her. "I'm not done, damn it."BR  
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Hirde composed herself. "C-continue."BR  
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"Anyway, after I had yelled at Duo for scaring my poor brother, I felt kinda bad. So I followed him out and asked him if there was anything I could do to make up for being mean to him."BR  
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"And he propositioned you with sex!?" Hirde asked.BR  
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"No, just a blow job ... but it turned into sex. He said it was only fair since Heero fucked me too."BR  
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"God DAMN Catherine! Who DIDN'T you screw?"BR  
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"I'm not done yet..." Catherine said calmly. "I also slept with the ringmaster, four of the clowns, a few of Quatre's servants, almost all the Manguanacs, Marshall Noventa-it's a long, complicated story-, Duke Durmail-"BR  
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"My grandfather!!??" Dorothy shouted.BR  
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Catherine shot her a look. "Did I say I was finished?"BR  
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Dorothy calmed down. Catherine smiled and went back through her list. "Otto, Reynolds, Nikolai, Howard, Pargan-"BR  
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"You slept with my butler!? He's like 80!" Relena screamed.BR  
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"He was very sexy, okaaay?" Catherine said. "Now back to my list: 3 of Relena's little groupies, that ugly blonde guy with the weird nose from Relena's school, and... I think that's it." Catherine scratched her head, then nodded. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's all."BR  
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The women around the table were speechless.BR  
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"What?" Catherine blinked.BR  
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"Slut!" Relena, Dorothy, and Hirde said, diving at her.BR  
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Catherine's jaw dropped. "It wasn't MY fault they wanted me! Besides, you guys promised you wouldn't get mad! AAAGH!"BR  
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"... That's true." Noin said.BR  
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Relena released her hold on Catherine's neck, Hirde stopped biting her, and Dorothy let go of her hair.BR  
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Catherine stood up and brushed herself off. "No need for over-reactions, here. We're all pals, ne?"BR  
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They all reluctantly nodded, then finished their game. Once the night was over, they were all passed out in various parts of the house. Noin and Sally were curled up together on the couch, Lady Une was passed out on the floor, clutching her head. Relena and Dorothy were wrapped around eachother on the loveseat. Hirde was asleep at the bottom of the stairs, and Catherine laid hanging off the recliner, dreaming peacefully of who she'd sleep with next.BR  
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Somewhere else...BR  
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"Treize, Zechs, Sally AND Catherine? You slick bastard, Wu-man!" Duo cheered for his friend's conquests.BR  
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"That's nothing Maxwell, because you see, in a round-about way, I'm also sleeping with you, Heero, Lady Une, and Noin." Wufei winked.BR  
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Duo pouted as he peeled the label from his beer. "I've only done it with Heero and Catherine."BR  
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Heero nodded.BR  
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Trowa and Quatre looked at eachother. BR  
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"How the Hell did you sleep with so many people, Wufei?" Quatre asked.BR  
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Wufei smirked. "Just look at me. Don't *you* want me, too?"BR  
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"Yes- I mean NO! No NO NO NO NOOOO!" Quatre his face in Trowa's chest, quite embarrassed. Trowa stroked his blonde hair gently.BR  
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"You know Wufei ... if you sleep with Quatre, then you have to sleep with me too."BR  
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"Well, I figured you came with the territory." Wufei said.BR  
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Trowa smirked.BR  
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Heero and Duo looked on wide-eyed.BR  
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"Oi, you can't leave us out, you selfish pricks!" Duo protested.BR  
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"Who has the biggest bed?" Heero asked, standing up, Duo's braid in his hand.BR  
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"We do." Quatre said quietly, referring to the bed he shared with Trowa.BR  
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Wufei clapped his hands together and stood up. "Let's go then." He led the way to Quatre and Trowa's room, followed by an overly enthusiastic Duo.BR  
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"Y'know, Wu, I've been itchin' t'get *you* in the sack." Duo said with a wink.BR  
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Wufei shrugged. "You'll all get your turn. There's plenty of Wu to go around." He opened the door to the bedroom and the other boys followed him in.BR  
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ENDBR  
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Wufei: Shameless onna! You made me such a slut!BR  
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Shinigami Baby: Chotto Gomen, Wu-chan! BR  
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Wufei: Hmph! Injustice...BR  
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Shinigami Baby: What do you MEAN "Injustice"? You got laid by practically everybody! I thought I was doing you a favor!BR  
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Wufei: I've been celibate since Nataku passed on! This is disgracing her memory! And sex with Maxwell!? Unsanitary! He brings food to bed!BR  
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Shinigami Baby: Huh? How the Hell would *you* know???.... anyway, I thought I'd be doing you a favor.BR  
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Wufei: I don't need favors from a weakling such as YOU! (folds his arms across his chest)BR  
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Shinigami Baby: (under her breath) Ungrateful prick... (Normal speaking voice) Anyway, that's the end! Jaaa!/HTML  



End file.
